Talks with Bob Chapter 19 | animal-voices-new

Chapter 19 Separation Sadness

An early morning dream:

I’m in a big box store looking at car batteries and other automotive items. I see Bob. We are separated, no longer living together. He wants to buy a large shears. I am not supposed to talk to him, so I text him with my phone.“What should I buy?” It takes some time to get all the words correct, but even then it’s not what I mean. Then we are leaving and he walks beside me. I feel tenderness and can sense he feels it too, that he wants to be close to me. All I want is to be with him, and I can’t understand why that can’t be.

On waking, I record the dream. I feel so melancholy. Is there still a part of me that doesn’t understand what is happening? Who can’t figure out why we are separated? Does ‘what should I buy’ mean how can I say goodbye? And why the big shears he wants to buy — to show the separation more clearly? To cut what is still holding on? The dream feels overwhelmingly sad to me.

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I miss you so much, I begin that morning. Should I tell you about my dream or did you see it?

I can watch it as you think about it. Thoughts are alive here, so much more than in the living world. Living world — that isn’t a good way to say it! Because we are living here too, just in a different way. What should we call this difference between where we are?

Physical world and spirit world?

That works. Though I’m not in the full blown spirit world experience yet. It’s like I’m at the edges, just learning about things. I’m not sure how it is for everyone, but it seems to me most spirit people are still adjusting here, creating or being drawn to their places of comfort.

I don’t think we know that at first — that we are actually creating or moving to a scenario that will help us get used to this. Maybe we still have a subconscious or a part of us that takes care of things that our ego-spirit-self isn’t aware of or doesn’t even imagine is happening. I guess you could say we are taken care of, that maybe our higher self or guides help set this up so it won’t be too much of a shock all at once.

So this ties into your dream, your idea that there is a part of yourself that can’t understand why we are separated. In the dream we’re separated in marriage, but it also means separated by death. I know you know that; I’m just agreeing.

Remember how I told you we are many, many selves? I think there are parts of me that are spread out, maybe even exploded into spirit already, and there are also parts like the one who is talking to you now. In some ways we are all of us separated, individual, alone. But in other ways we are also connected and together. And maybe those exploded selves already feel they are connected back with the big Spirit, the big One or God or Bliss or whatever you call it.

Maybe some selves didn’t get the story, don’t even know what’s going on — like your dream self that can’t understand why we are separated. Sometimes I feel that in me. Though most of me, maybe all of me right now, knows I am in spirit world. I think it’s easier to accept here.

I can only tell you about me. I feel an easy acceptance. But part of me is still sad and sorry that I’m not with you and Alyeska, not doing the things I usually do around the house, blowing the leaves or plowing snow or fixing stuff. When I think of that, I can feel sad and heavy. And that heaviness can be a kind of trap that keeps you there, holds you there.

Remember what you told me once about prayer — that the better prayer is not to ask for things but to feel gratitude? If I hold gratitude for all those good times we had together — and even the bad times when we argued, I feel happy that we had that life.

It’s like what you said about missing and loving. If we get stuck in missing or wanting things to be the same, we risk getting trapped in loss, heaviness, sadness, crying, all that. But if we look with love at all we did, all we made together, all the art and creative things we did in the house — and the best one, Alyeska! — then there is a different feeling. Pride and happiness.

I’m so proud of all we created together, how we lived our lives. I’m so happy for all our love and laughter and silly times, all of that. You know?

Yes, you’re right. Getting lost in self-pity or sadness can really pull us down. And while I want to still feel the sadness when it comes, I don’t have to indulge it or let it become a sinkhole of despair.

I’m glad we are figuring this out together.

Me too. Have you met other spirit people or guides?

It’s ongoing. Sometimes I think a question and someone will appear and we’ll talk and I’ll get an answer. There’s so much help here, though it’s not even thought of as help per se. More like support or love. Sometimes I feel it’s me talking to me, and other times it seems like others who have been here for awhile are sharing their experiences. It’s good set up!

Here too. It helps me to talk with people who have known loss. And sometimes it is just me talking to me, like at midnight when I get up and organize the kitchen. I feel free to do strange things whenever I want, to explore myself in new ways. I’m not sure what I’m saying here…

I understand. Because I’m exploring a new me too. It’s like in your dream, we are separated but we still have ways to connect. We’re finding new ways of being together. Not everyone gets that.

Why do we?

I’m not sure. Maybe because we have an open channel of connection? Some living people feel the presence of their beloved spirit person, sensing their energy and love. And some people do talk like we are, but I don’t think many do. They could. It’s just not in their realm of ideas I guess. But because you already talk to animals, I had the idea — because of you.

So do you have any advice for me? How to slog on with these heavier feelings?

Just love, he says and I begin to cry as I feel the enormity of that truth.

Yeah, just love. To feel our love and know that we had a good run. 33 years and Alyeska, who is a part of this too. It’s different for children. Everyone responds to loss differently, we both know that. Leska is very sensitive.

She likes to read these talks. I share them every morning.

That’s good. And you can share with others too. Because the more people who know that everyone can do this, then the easier it is for all of us. The more we know we are not ever alone, the less afraid we become.

The quickest way to connect is to remember the love, to feel it, to ask it how it wants to be known in you. To find your own path of connection, to trust that, follow it, and watch what happens.

I love you and Alyeska so much. And so many others too. I feel love flowing out of me like golden honey, warm and thick. I never would have said that while alive! But now I feel that coming into me and flowing out of me. Maybe that is why on Earth people call each other honey? Because of love.

I smile through my tears. Even now, he keeps teaching me about love.

Read Chapter 28